Emma Gray wrote a great post about women’s anxiety issues in the The Huffington Post (April 20, 2015). I am fortunate not to be afflicted with the paralyzing anxiety that causes my brain to spiral out of control, but I am more than normally anxious about a few things.
It started at a very young age, exacerbated by a bi-polar mother who could not help but compare me to my “perfect” younger sister. My answer was to put on a mask and become the rebellious one who didn’t care if she wasn’t loved. Many, many years later, I continue to worry about the same things that caused my sleepless nights and childhood nightmares.
Ms. Gray reports that “anxiety impacts over 40 million adults in the U.S. alone … with women twice as likely as men to be diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder.”
My triggers include a fear of being abandoned, running out of money before I die, and that no one could ever really love the un-loveable real me (and that has been proven – at least in my head – by all the men who have sought to change me into someone else.) While few really want to understand, or be bothered with, my anxieties, here are a few things I wish anyone who loves me could understand.
1. Anxiety is mental and physical. When my mind is confronted with any one of my anxieties, it is like moving through molasses. It takes a tremendous amount of work to make good decisions in that state. I usually stop talking – especially if the anxieties are triggered by anger directed against me – because I know I need to think carefully if I am to make well thought out and measured responses instead of either a) shouting back or b) just running away from the fear and pain.
2. There isn’t a “cure.” I can’t just “snap out of it.” Everyone uses something different to keep their anxieties in check. I work through daily checklists to reassure myself that I am doing everything possible to prevent everything I fear from happening. Unfortunately, I am also aware that the people around me aren’t working with the same degree of tenacity towards my goals, so it is one step forward and three steps back.
3. My anxiety might be exactly what makes me so damn productive. Turn in a paper late? Fail to finish a task at work? Not show up for an event I’ve committed to? Have a dirty house? Hell no. I’ve often wondered if anxiety is simply a form of OCD.
4. It can be a great survival mechanism. Anxiety can make a person more empathetic, driven, and aware of the dynamics around them. Sadly, not all those around me “get” my empathy or understanding of the surrounding dynamics, and I am often accused of not standing up for myself, being a pushover or passive/aggressive.
5. I’m not “crazy” or stupid or co-dependent. These words are used to invalidate a woman’s thoughts and needs. Anything that can be called a Mental health “issue” is still stigmatized, so it can be awkward to open up about them.
6. I know my triggers are irrational. Yes, I’m intellectually aware that I probably won’t die alone in an apartment full of cats, or in a nursing home tortured by Nurse Ratched. I probably really do have friends who like me and a reasonable number of family that love me (because you can’t pick your family.) But there is always something else outside my control to worry about!