I always wanted to be a bad-girl author – writing a memoir confessing to depravities so sordid, and crimes so heinous, literary critics would lionize me for my “searing honesty.” Oprah would weep at the pain I suffered and absolve me of the pain I caused. Hot young guys would dig my vulnerability and flock to me. And I would become very, very rich.
Going to have to work on those last four.