I’ve always wanted to be happy. After all, isn’t life about the pursuit of happiness? Every day we are surrounded by books, social media feeds, commercials, packaging, and our own Declaration of Independence that tells us – beseeches us – to pursue happiness.
But is happiness a transient, shallow, inhuman goal? Wouldn’t it be better to live a meaningful life – a balance of both the happy and unhappy parts of our life?
I’ve behaved badly to so many people. I accept that. But then I also behaved badly towards myself, not just everybody else. No one should feel singled out, my awfulness was universally distributed. And the memory of that behavior constantly tries to override any happiness I’ve found.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be able to line up all the people, everyone I’ve treated shabbily, have them all in a long line. Then I’d work my way along it, one by one, shake each person’s hand, look each one in the eye and say, “I’m so sorry, wasn’t I awful.” And despite my sincerest amends some, or all of them, would just think, “Fantastic, now I have to stand in line for the honor of receiving her majesty’s apology.”
Twelve step programs are big on making more than an apology (which is basically words). Amends include taking actions that demonstrate your new way of life in recovery. When you make amends, you align your values to your actions. You admit wrongdoing and then live by your new principles. You don’t make amends to clear your conscience or undo your feelings of guilt, but to start your new way of life.
In the end, who benefits from an apology offered? Is it the person who believes a wrong was done to them, or the person who believes they did the deed. Is an apology just designed to lift the regret from your shoulders while it does little or nothing to heal the gulf between you and the person you harmed.
I suppose I’m always going to be disappointed in myself if all I remember are the failures. But as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “Sometimes what one needs to say is too important to let fear get in the way.”
So, once more, I am sincerely sorry to each and every one of you. And I am striving, every day, to make amends, to be positive, be mindful, be grateful, while integrating past, present, and future. To choose my reasons to live, to pursue happiness, and to search for dignity and authenticity. To live not just a happy life, but a meaningful one.